I wish I'd never left my Cheryl

EXCLUSIVE: Regret as lung cancer kills ex

By Phil Taylor

MICHAEL BARRYMORE last night told of his heartbreak at the death of ex-wife Cheryl and said: "I wish I'd made peace with her and told her how much I loved her."

In an exclusive interview with the News of the World, the gay comedian confessed he was devastated by Cheryl's death from lung cancer at the age of 56.

He said: "I had no idea she was unwell and just wish I had been told six weeks ago when she was diagnosed.

"Had I known I'd have flown to Britain from my home in New Zealand to be by her side. I would have liked to have held her hand, given her a hug and told her how much I loved her.

"It's not supposed to be like this. I was the one on the list to die early.

Cruel

"Cheryl got me into rehab (for booze addiction) and told me for years, ‘If you don't get yourself sorted out you are going to be dead.'

"But I've got well and now she's dead at just 56. Fate has dealt a cruel hand.

"I wish I had never left her. It's one of the saddest stories ever. I just wish she could be with me now so I could tell her what I'm telling you."

Barrymore's 21-year marriage ended in a bitter divorce in 1997 when he was Britain's biggest TV entertainer.

But he revealed: "I was recently told by friends that Cheryl wanted to get back with me. I wanted to call her.

"I actually picked up the phone. But I didn't go through with it because I feared I'd be rejected. I owed her an apology for not being able to find a way to make our marriage work and for her to be destroyed by losing the one she loved so deeply.

"She was a big smoker. She always was. If I increased her stress levels, I am terribly sorry for that. But now she is dead and I can only say it in prayer."

Barrymore sighed: "The last time I spoke to Cheryl was five years ago. She told me she wanted me back.

"I told her, ‘I can't come back. It's not going to work out.' But I never wanted to leave Cheryl.

"I wanted to stay best mates and carry on working with her.

"Our relationship wasn't just special, it was unique. Cheryl created Michael Barrymore. Without her I would never have become a star.

"Cheryl was so much part of me we were almost like one person. But she couldn't accept my sexuality. She couldn't accept I was gay.

"Cheryl invested her whole life in me. I was her husband. I was her career. She didn't want a child. She just wanted me. She couldn't get her head around not having me completely.

"I was her life. But I couldn't make her understand that there was nothing I could do about my sexuality.

"She would say to me, ‘We can fix it.' It's just a phase you're going through. You're not gay. You're just doing it to get attention and be different.' But I told her, ‘I'm not. We can't fix it. We are going to have to do it another way.

"I offered to keep the marriage going and come to an arrangement where we remained best mates and worked together, but I had my gay nights out.

"Cheryl could not accept that. She didn't want me to go out.

"I didn't want our marriage to finish. It was a big wrench for me to leave her. It was like a tragic play but for real."

Cheryl briefly continued as his manager when he revealed he was gay in 1995. But the couple fell out and ended the marriage eight years ago.

Barrymore said: "I told her I loved her, but I don't think it was heard over the screaming and shouting."

"She was the master of working things out. My only skill was getting up and making people laugh."

Barrymore's career collapsed after the body of 31-year-old Stuart Lubbock was found in the swimming pool of his Essex mansion in 2001.

Cheryl started a police perjury investigation after she claimed he had lied to the inquest when he told them he could not swim.

Barrymore said: "I still don't know why she did that. She knew I couldn't swim. But I think she would have preferred to have mourned my death than see me be with anybody else."

He told how Cheryl masterminded his career. "She discovered me when I was a know-nothing, green-as-anything comic with teeth all over the place at The Showboat In The Strand when I was bottom of the bill in 1975. She came to my dressing room and told me, ‘You know there is something very special about you?' Nobody had ever said that to me.

"She said, ‘Would you like me to manage you?' And I said, ‘Yeah, OK' and I fell in love with her in the first instant because she was the first person to give me that much attention.

"She spent the money she had to buy me my first suit.

"The next night my shoulders grew during my 12-minute act and she created this person that she got millions of people to love.

Honour

"We were together over 20 years and had a good love-life. She will always be a huge love. I'll never forget her."

Chain-smoker Cheryl died in a London hospital on Friday. Only a few family and friends knew of her plight.

Barrymore is starring in Chicago in New Zealand, where he now lives with boyfriend Shaun Davis. The entertainer said: "I am going to work even harder to get back to where I was, even if it's only in honour of Cheryl.

"I've got my life back. Anything on top of that is a bonus.

"But there is no bonus today. There is a minus. And it's called Cheryl."

In return for this interview, Michael Barrymore has asked the News of the World to make a donation to the Cancer Research Department at London's University College Hospital.